This September beginning of the school year has unleashed something horrible and ugly inside me. Maybe its the lack of a relationship- no I do not want to be defined by another person. Maybe its the lack of a genuine connection. I don't know. What I want to talk about is how I've been living in my subconscious. I'm caught up in this life. What's torturing my conscience is the often occuring nights that ALWAYS begin with too many shots, and ends in a REGRET. I'M TIRED OF MAKING THESE MISTAKES. Some part of my mind is trying to convince myself that this is college, and it will happen, and you will move on. BUT THE REALITY OF IT ALL IS THAT THIS IS LIFE AND YOU FIX IT NOW OR YOU NEVER FIX IT. I've got this heart. I've got this big gigantic heart and I'm staining with with alcohol and false intimacy. This is true. What do I need to learn my lesson? TURN AROUND. I'm living in my subconscious right now. I'm not making an effort to live within the moment. And this is a blog that I'm supposed to look back and reflect on who I was and who I've become. This is me telling myself that who you've become is ugly. Internally ugly. Not trying to enforce negative attitudes but I need to GROW UP RIGHT NOW. I need to escape what I've created around myself. Situations do not make people. I AM BETTER THAN THIS. Not longer than a few months ago I was noting on how high calibur of a woman I am. GO BACK TO THAT. GO BACK NOW. GO RUNNING BACK AND DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU. THIS IS IT. THIS IS OVER. CHANGE HAPPENS NOW. REAL FAT FUCKING CHANGE. | 
